Tom Houghton

  For Jeff Ross

  and for Kirsti Wright

  The Child is father of the Man;

  I could wish my days to be

  Bound each to each by natural piety.

  ‘My Heart Leaps Up When I Behold’,

  William Wordsworth, 1770–1850

   One

  I made it to the café before her, just managing to keep bile down in the rear seat of a taxi with a driver who smelled as though he’d been working for three straight days. It was a pungency I usually found appealing in a raw, sexual kind of way but in my state, his scent stirred no arousal, only added to my queasiness. The café was Hanna’s choice as usual, a local she frequented, but it was too crowded for my liking and the hum of patrons soon became a kind of torturous chant.

  I hadn’t finished work until about eleven thirty the evening before and then the company went out for drinks, as was the custom. We were celebrating a handful of minor but positive reviews: I was playing Martha in a new gender-bending production of Who’s Afraid of Virginia Woolf? The director, Victor, had received incredibly good reviews for his gender reversing in Streetcar and off the back of my three-night stint as Stella (filling in for a drug-addicted, fresh-from-school loser) he offered me the lead in Who’s Afraid. Reviews for this one were not as great, though I’d had a few positive mentions, which was always nice. I thought Victor’s concept of keeping the play in its original form and merely having actors of opposite genders play the roles – no cross-dressing or wigs, I was merely a man named Martha and my lines were all Martha’s, including those referring to motherhood – was limited in its freshness but I respected his vision and was happy for the pay. Besides, how often in a man’s career would he get to play a character like Martha?

  No one ever went out on a Saturday night on account of Sunday’s matinee, which was inevitably packed with patience-trying seniors, so Friday night usually turned out to be larger than anyone planned. Last night I hadn’t been in the slightest mood to be there, but by the third glass of wine, I was hooked.

  I was tempted to order a Bloody Mary before Hanna arrived but chose to err on the side of reason, and she came through the open glass door just as the tattooed, brow-pierced waitress delivered my banana milkshake.

  Hanna motioned to the creamy froth, and with a teasing little grin said: ‘You’re putting on weight, m’dear.’ She gave me a peck on the cheek and handed me an elegantly wrapped present.

  My birthday. Just another day, no cause for celebration or commiseration. I thanked her for it, insisting she shouldn’t have. It was a book about surviving bad sex; a little piss-take she often made with relish.

  ‘Very funny,’ I said, putting the book in my shoulder bag before anyone could see. ‘As usual.’

  ‘So how does it feel to be forty?’ she asked, before ordering a double-shot coffee.

  ‘Frankly, I’m surprised I made it. I always thought I’d be dead in my thirties.’

  ‘If that. Of course, you have me to thank for making it this far. Had I not come along when you were hobbling on crutches in the midst of your ridiculous daddy obsession, you’d have been doomed.’

  ‘Ah yes, my last great bashing. Broken leg, cracked ribs, a corker of a twisted nose . . .’ I pointed to the battle scar. ‘But I never had a daddy obsession.’ I delivered the line deadpan.

  ‘Au contraire.’ She sniggered. ‘You mistook any man’s attention for a lifelong marriage proposal. Even if he was a relative.’

  ‘Fuck off.’ But I said this with a laugh I could not hold back. ‘He was not my relative.’

  ‘Same, same.’

  ‘Whatever. Child.’

  We met the first Saturday of every month because without that commitment we would rarely have seen each other. I’d hastily agreed to this idea of hers, forgetting momentarily that I wasn’t usually in the spirit for company on Saturday mornings. But the routine had quickly settled over us and neither was going to be the first to break.

  I could tell Hanna was annoyed by my state but refused to acknowledge it, since the very fact that I was there in that state was testament to how important she was to me. Saner people would have cancelled, or at least insisted on moving the time or location to a more mutually satisfying outcome, but messing with Hanna’s plans was not worth the grief.

  Hanna didn’t let me get away with much. I suppose the fact we’d known each other for more than half our respective lives gave her a certain leeway. While to an outsider her taunts might have appeared particularly cutting, to me they were just Hanna-isms. My skin had hardened considerably. We met at university – she studied Communications and I Drama – and due to one of those inexplicable twists of fate, we both found ourselves in an excruciating course on American classics. She’d offered to carry my bag for me as I struggled with those stupid crutches. I didn’t find out until later that this level of consideration was uncharacteristic.

  We were clearly from different walks of life, and I was attracted to her healthy if heavy-handed cynicism, which in those days made her irresistibly cool. I suppose in me she might have seen a pet project, dragging the Kiwi out of the boy who’d managed to haul himself half alive from the school toilets after a wayward glance at the wrong boy. I took myself a little too seriously and she would not have an iota of that. Hers was the precise psychology I needed. ‘You shouldn’t really wear boating loafers’ was one of the first things she ever said to me, referring to the brand new shoes I’d painstakingly chosen as apt for higher education, along with ‘I bet you’re one of those people who never lets themselves go.’ Needless to say, she was right on both counts. Even ‘You know old-time Hollywood is for losers – you should really start watching modern films if you want a career in today’s industry’ couldn’t be considered erroneous.

  Now as we sat having breakfast – because it didn’t conflict too heavily with her role of wife and mother – I got a vague sense that she only continued to meet with me out of a sense of duty. It was as if she was somehow proving to the world that she was worth her mettle, loyal to the end, when what I really wanted to ask her – still – was what possible attraction she had in a friendship with me. Of course, I was not oblivious to the fact she was feeling exactly the same: she with her demanding and tantrum-prone toddler and constantly travelling, forever-absent husband, a life she considered unutterably boring. Why be friends with an inner city–dwelling actor who was awake most of the hours she was asleep and who, by virtue of his career, was surrounded by an ever-swelling current of spotlight-hungry wannabes? At times I thought I’d quite happily exchange my life for hers but I knew she’d rather wilt within expectation than die by footlight.

  ‘If I hear another order for a babycino I’m going to scream,’ she said, after we’d ordered our meals.

  ‘Oh darling, don’t deny you order them for Bankes. You just pretend to be normal while I’m around.’

  ‘Ah, that’s where you’re wrong. They think they’re the normal ones, I’m the outcast. I refuse to speak to my partner about my child in a baby voice –’ and here she nodded her head in the direction of a handsome couple, the man of which was loudly referring to the woman as ‘mummy’ – ‘I don’t even bring my child to cafés, I point-blank refuse to subject him to the monotony.’

  ‘I marvel that you manage to stay sane being surrounded by all of . . . this.’ I waved my hand around the restaurant.

  ‘Could be worse, I suppose. I could be forced to live in Seven Hills and end up a complete weirdo like you.’

  ‘Happy fucking birthday to me,’ I sighed.

  ‘Ever the victim.’

  I took the opportunity to change the topic, daring to ask to see the latest pictures of Bankes. Hanna took some convincing, fearing they would bore me, but with some persistence on my part
she relented and I was genuinely surprised to see how much he’d grown. I wondered what he knew of me, if anything.

  ‘How’s Puppy?’ she asked, putting away her phone. She’d met Damon only once, at drinks to celebrate her fortieth a few months back, when things between him and me were still fresh and uncertain. I’d wrongly assumed it made sense for them to meet when there was a crowd around.

  ‘Great, actually.’

  ‘So it’s true, eternal love then?’

  ‘You can demean it if you like. It is what it is.’

  ‘Don’t come over all Mister Sensitive on me.’ She put four sugars into her fresh coffee and stirred it, making a repetitive chink against the sides of the cup.

  ‘I’m not,’ I protested, but it came out sounding sensitive.

  ‘Are too.’ And there it was, that Hanna-light upon her face, the mischievous glint that took me back to when we first met. Did it matter how disparate our lives had become? Damon thinks my friendship with Hanna is token, wonders why either of us bothers, but he is not privy to these sibling-like moments when I could reach over and kiss her, if only it would not make her gag.

  I chose offence as the more practised course. ‘Oh, you can be such a cunt.’

  ‘As you can be a dead bore.’ But this was delivered with a giggle. ‘So, has he won the Pulitzer yet?’

  ‘He’s gotten a lot of interest in the play but there’s still a long way to go before we pop the champagne.’

  Damon made a living as an actor but, as most actors make their income being waiters, what he really wanted to do was write. He had a unique way with the written word and I thought some of his turns of phrase were truly beautiful, but his work was lacking the most essential ingredient of being a playwright: character development. I couldn’t tell him I felt this way, because our relationship hadn’t gotten beyond the physical, so instead I encouraged him to keep at it but knew any producer in their right mind wasn’t going to trade his poetry for lack of audience interest. He emailed Victor a few scenes of one piece and Victor merely wrote back: Thanks. Not another word, either at the time, or in the intervening six weeks. Damon asked me what I thought this could mean when it was clear it could mean only one thing.

  ‘Would it pay that much?’ Hanna asked.

  ‘You already know the answer to that. It’s a validation more than anything else. It’d be very good for his . . . reputation. Unfortunately I fear Damon is too busy asserting his own trivialities to spend any time writing effectively about others’.’

  Our meals arrived and we picked at them half-heartedly. I knew I shouldn’t, and that I would regret it, but I’d ordered the big breakfast even though its greasiness would play havoc with my belly. I drooled at the sight of her toasted muesli.

  ‘Still off the sugar?’ she mused.

  ‘It packs a punch heavier than heroin. It will not defeat me.’

  ‘Off the booze too, then?’

  ‘My dear, with my genes you should have learnt to stop asking such redundant questions.’

  We must have spent hundreds of evenings over the last twenty-odd years dissecting my need to drink. We’d explored every corner of my family history, shaved away the outer layers of my epidermis, dug deep into the recesses of my psyche, and the best we could come up with was that it was either genetic, or alcohol was my escape from something neither she nor I were objective enough to identify. Damon had been living with me for the past eight weeks – in large part because he had nowhere else to stay. He was the understudy for Honey but Max (who played Honey) would go on even on his deathbed, so the chances of Damon getting a run depended upon acts of god. At first, I was only vaguely attracted to him with his fresh, smooth face and that childish button nose but when I saw him getting changed one day, my more animal instincts got the better of me. He was yet to work out that youth and beauty die tragically together before their time. For my part, I’d rather selfishly abused my position as ‘star’ to seduce him onto my own private stage. I had no doubt Damon would move out as soon as his next job came along and I would miss his vigour, but not his constant shadowing, nor the way he presumed I was a better person than I was capable of being.

  ‘Actually they say it isn’t genetic, now . . . Apparently.’

  It took me a moment to remember what we were talking about and I shouldn’t have been surprised to remember it was my drinking. ‘Please, let me have one vice.’

  ‘Your vice is that you have many.’

  You shared them with me before you traded in life for life-giving, I wanted to say, but didn’t.

  ‘Don’t you ever forget I’ve kept track of every single one,’ Hanna said. And to prove her point, went on: ‘Coupon collecting, prescription anti-inflammatories, sugarless chocolate, rugby magazines . . .’

  ‘Actually, honey, you don’t even know the half of it.’

  ‘Oh no, I think I have a pretty good handle on it all, actually.’

  The waitress, who was now sweatier and less polished than when I first arrived, brought me a second milkshake and winked as she did so.

  I asked Hanna about her life as I almost always remembered to do and she told me of her financial woes, boredom at work, Bankes’s behavioural issues, the successes of her sister and then skirted around the topic of her husband, Jakob. Though I wanted her to trust me with all the gory details, I had long since learnt not to press her on them. Jakob and I had never gotten along sober and he bristled visibly whenever I was in their home, so she not unsubtly insisted that I always met her out. Even if that meant travelling to her side of the city and, due to my public transport aversion, paying a forty-dollar cab ride for the privilege. Hanna hadn’t seen me in a play since university but I was too embarrassed to pick at that scab. I certainly was not brave enough to hear what she thought of my skill, or if she thought anything of it at all. I’d dallied with a band for a few months after university and although the fact that I could not sing was lost on the rest of the band members, I was sure it wasn’t on the modest-sized pub crowds to which we played. Hanna came one night and stood at the back of the room with her boyfriend at the time, a bemused expression plastered across her face. At the end of the set I thanked the manager and arranged a date for the next gig before making my way to where she had stood. We had to run, she said later by way of explanation. We thought you were good. And I suppose that was akin to a Victor Thanks email.

  It’s funny how art and friendships so seldom mix. I’d had some incredibly close friends never see me in anything, and acquaintances only very loose by association who chose to sit in the front row night after night. But then I’d never sat at Hanna’s desk to watch her work either.

  Hanna insisted on paying the bill and I griped, but it was beginning to cause a scene – which we both hated – so I surrendered. I promised I would pay for next month’s breakfast but she floored me by suggesting that perhaps next time we could each bring a picnic and she would bring Bankes to play in the park. I told her I’d like that.

  We kissed each other awkwardly on the cheek.

  ‘Don’t slit your wrists today, my dear, it’s only a number. And congratulations for surviving the odds and actually making it this far. One day you’re going to have to tell me what made you such a monumental fuck up. And I don’t mean the New Zealand years either – yawn, I know all those. I was there for all the break-ups, let-downs, back-stabs, AIDS scares, drug binges, failures, rejections and forced outings too, remember.’

  ‘Trust me, you don’t want to know the rest.’

  ‘Try me.’

  ‘I might be a weirdo, but unlike you, at least I still have my boyish good looks.’

  ‘Delusional,’ she said, shaking her head at me as she slowly walked away.

  About ten metres down the café strip, she turned back to me as if she knew I was watching and said: ‘Give your mother my love.’

  Hanna 1, Tom 0.

   Two

  The evening before my twelfth birthday the anticipation of presents had been too great and at som
e hour between midnight and dawn, I crept out of Mum’s bed and into my room to take a peek. There beneath the window was a new desk – white, clean and sturdy. Its surface was printed with a map of the world and as I studied it in the glow from the streetlights outside, I wondered why they had chosen to colour all of the Commonwealth countries pink. Before Mum woke to find me snooping, I rummaged through the shapes on my bed. There must have been twenty presents, all wrapped in bright colours, just like the countries on my new desk.

  I crept back into Mum’s bed, my whole body riding waves of expectancy, knowing sleep would never come. I lay there listening to her soft snores and dream-filled sighs, soothed by the conditioner smells of her wavy red hair.

  I woke later to the smell of crisping bacon – white chocolate cake and bacon sandwiches for breakfast, washed down with milk and sugary tea. Pa came out and shook his head disapprovingly, but I knew the old man would be helping himself to a few slices of cake as soon as Mum and I left for the cinema. I opened all of my presents bar one, stringing out the excitement for as long as I could bear. With the opening of each gift, I couldn’t help but get more excited. Mum had really outdone herself, even keeping some hidden in her wardrobe until I thought they were all opened. There were twenty-three magazines, four books, eight videos (I now had enough to open a video store, Pa said), a new set of coloured pencils and one thousand crisp new index cards. With the opening of each gift, I couldn’t help but get more and more excited, even though I knew we didn’t have enough money for any of this; she must have saved every spare penny just to spoil me.

  I went to the bathroom. When I came back into the room, I threw my arms around her. I started to cry.

  ‘Baby, what’s wrong? Don’t you like what I bought you?’

  It took me a few minutes to be able to talk again. ‘No, no, it’s not that,’ I sobbed, now feeling even guiltier.

  ‘Then what is it? What’s the matter?’

  ‘I don’t deserve any of this, Mum, it’s too much.’